Monday

My  blog is mesoandme. Rod said I should write a blog as a carer to let  people know just how I feel.Well thats easier said than done. I am not  good at expressing my feelings in public. Oh Ive lost my temper  in public and on occasions resorted to  vented anger and stronger. But on the whole I am, like most people a private person. This past 6 years  since diagnosis of this bestial disease have not been easy for me. But also even harder for Mavis.

I’ve never heard her  say why me or moan that  she was given a death sentence. She took this disease on the chin and fought back. When after many courses of  chemo and through all the sickness and the pain she fought and came back stronger. When  they said sorry  your  condition  has progressed and we have no more treatment to  offer. Did she give up. No way, she fought even harder and found what we have called the wonder drug.

In the 6 months she has been on  it she has continued  to gain strength and with it she has pushed back the curtain that threatens to  cloak us.

With  each of her steps I have been there with her doing my best to support her. Pushing back the fear that is in my heart fear that threatens  every  waking minute. But I  hide that fear . Every day  is a boundary  pushed back a little further. But  its hidden away.

But some days something drops in  my lap that kicks you in the face. Wakes me up from that lethargic state of Denial . Screams at me wake up wake up . Face the day  head on take stock of what was given. Be grateful  for what I have , were given 3 months and that has stretched unbelievably into  almost 6 years.  Oh how greatful I am for every single minute of every single day since that  diagnosis. But today we had bad news. News that Mavis  colleague on her trial has been taken off because his condition has progressed. All the faith  we had ,all the hopes we had suddenly pushed me back to reality. This unrelenting disease still has fight in it. We have not conquered it yet. It’s a wake up call to the fact that  we are on borrowed time and I must face facts. So far  we have been lucky and dare I say  I hope that remains so . I am sure mavis will not let this devastating news stop her fight. But our  hearts  go out to  our friend.

We have so much faith in this trial that defeat was not in our vocabulary. It is sad news for our friend. But  this could be part of what  trials are about. The eventual  selective drug theraphy. Some drugs work on some people and not on others. We or me  must remain positive.

So  as I said  mesoandme is how I feel and deal with it, what does it mean to me. meso means heart ache pain fear on the one hand but a sense of pride watching mavis deal with it. Work with it. helping others with it. Gives me a sense of hope and watching mave  gives me strength to deal with it.

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