Wednesday

Wow! I did it again. Agaist my best advice. Watch what you down load. I got the  message  that I was unable to view a FB vidio ,my  viewer needed updating. So  I clicked the link to update it.

FATAL. Everything went haywire. Whatever I clicked on  was over riden by talking adverts. Then it just got worse. I got the black screen treatment and ages with the  whirly  bit  saying it was updating whatever Its tane me 5 hours of  frustration to  get it back to some semblance of normal. But I am not confident . Everything is so slow. I could willingly Kill the arsehole who  did this to me. From now on If I cant view a FB vidio then  thats it..

I was relaxing after  marsden trip yesterday  but now I am uptight and angry. I could throw this lot out the window.

***

Hi! Ive had time to  calm down. I walked away  from this and watched a film The Red Beret. Good Film

Next I came back and finished  what I  started yesterday . Updating our onestopmesothelioma.com

Maves often tells me she cant  one of our vidios. Well now Ive re done all the  vidio links. That should make things better.

Thats about me for now.

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Tuesday

Another trip to Marsden. Traffic was good and we arrived at 8 am. Soon  Mavis was called in for routine Blood tests. Then back to the waiting room Around 10am called in to see the Doctor.  As far as the trial  is concerned All is going to plan. Bloods OK Kidney OK . A problem with the water infection so  more creams. Then we went to the canteen for a coffee and a bun. We made our way back to the waiting room . We settled back for  the long wait until the drugs came up. Thats usually about 3 pm. WE read a bit  nodded off a bit  .  With  a surprise call from the nurse. Mavis  we are ready for you now. We were stunned. Mavis said what now. We both looked at our watches. It was 12.30. We said it’s never been this early. But  she went in to start  the drug. I stayed in the waiting room chatting to the man next to me. After an hour I thought  she must be done now. So I toddled in to see her. All done ready  for home. We called in Tesco on the way home Louis needed a chicken and more chews. We were back in doors by 3.30. Never been done before. But at the end of the day all the news was good news thats all that matters. My thoughts kept straying to Alister and his not so good news. but  he has still got  hope for a new trial  later. Good luck to him.

Monday

My  blog is mesoandme. Rod said I should write a blog as a carer to let  people know just how I feel.Well thats easier said than done. I am not  good at expressing my feelings in public. Oh Ive lost my temper  in public and on occasions resorted to  vented anger and stronger. But on the whole I am, like most people a private person. This past 6 years  since diagnosis of this bestial disease have not been easy for me. But also even harder for Mavis.

I’ve never heard her  say why me or moan that  she was given a death sentence. She took this disease on the chin and fought back. When after many courses of  chemo and through all the sickness and the pain she fought and came back stronger. When  they said sorry  your  condition  has progressed and we have no more treatment to  offer. Did she give up. No way, she fought even harder and found what we have called the wonder drug.

In the 6 months she has been on  it she has continued  to gain strength and with it she has pushed back the curtain that threatens to  cloak us.

With  each of her steps I have been there with her doing my best to support her. Pushing back the fear that is in my heart fear that threatens  every  waking minute. But I  hide that fear . Every day  is a boundary  pushed back a little further. But  its hidden away.

But some days something drops in  my lap that kicks you in the face. Wakes me up from that lethargic state of Denial . Screams at me wake up wake up . Face the day  head on take stock of what was given. Be grateful  for what I have , were given 3 months and that has stretched unbelievably into  almost 6 years.  Oh how greatful I am for every single minute of every single day since that  diagnosis. But today we had bad news. News that Mavis  colleague on her trial has been taken off because his condition has progressed. All the faith  we had ,all the hopes we had suddenly pushed me back to reality. This unrelenting disease still has fight in it. We have not conquered it yet. It’s a wake up call to the fact that  we are on borrowed time and I must face facts. So far  we have been lucky and dare I say  I hope that remains so . I am sure mavis will not let this devastating news stop her fight. But our  hearts  go out to  our friend.

We have so much faith in this trial that defeat was not in our vocabulary. It is sad news for our friend. But  this could be part of what  trials are about. The eventual  selective drug theraphy. Some drugs work on some people and not on others. We or me  must remain positive.

So  as I said  mesoandme is how I feel and deal with it, what does it mean to me. meso means heart ache pain fear on the one hand but a sense of pride watching mavis deal with it. Work with it. helping others with it. Gives me a sense of hope and watching mave  gives me strength to deal with it.

Nostalga Sunday

Day dreaming today my thoughts drifted back around 57 years ago. I was far from home trapped in an environment  that I hated. I was apart from Mavis and home sick. It was called The Army.

I was posted to  Yorkshire on what was called the Army`s Charles Atlas Course. because I  was unable to eat the stuff  served up in the canteens that they called food I was loosing weight fast.

On parade one morning I was  told to report to medics. I was pushed poked prodded and questioned by corporals and captains. It was pointed out that within the few weeks that I had been in the service I had lost almost a stone in weight. In such a short space of time this loss was not acceptable. I was either  seriously ill or  they  have missed something. They asked me was there any reason for this loss. I said I am living on mars bars and cakes from the naffi because the crap they  call food is un edible to me.

That didn’t go down well. They told me that it had been discussed that If it wasn’t an illness  then they had a cure. If it was an illness then maybe they should consider a discharge..

My heart leapt at the thought of a medical discharge. Yippee! i could be getting out of the place and back home.

But they had a trick up their sleeve. At that time I was a mere 5ft 6in and weighed in at 6 stone. Apparently my records show that on enlistment I was 7 stone. Nothing fantastic.

Now this captain said to me How would you like to be 6ft tall and 10 stone. i said my mother had tried to  make me that all my life and failed. If you  could do that it would be a miracle. In hindsight I think  that was the red rag. Well we have a 6 week course in Yorkshire that we will put you on that will do  just that. So my fate was sealed. In 2 days travel warrant  in my hand I was dispatched to  a campsite in Fulford. On arrival I met about 20 other guys all starting this course. It  was where they sent ex patients to  rehabilitate after hospital.  Our instructor was staff carpenter. Who  is the reason for my day dreams today. In brief this course was to last 6 weeks. It  consisted of intense physical training all day every day in the Gym it was called circuit  training. and  forced marches  in full kit. The idea was to build up the muscles and stamina of all these ex patients. And me of course. After  a week we were lined up and weighed. As the names were called out and weight  recorded each  one had increased in a measure of  pounds. But  my name was called and the response was No Change.  The following week all  our previous weeks  exercises were increased. The case being that every day what ever was achieved had to be beaten each time. For example if we did 20 push ups on Monday  morning we had to do  21 plus in the afternoon and on the next day we had to  do 25 and so on. All these achievements were recorded on a giant blackboard for all to see.

But  on Wednesday we were allowed recreation time in the afternoon. We could choose Football or swimming. Now I hated Football and still do. So  I chose swimming. A coach was laid on and our first trip was arranged. We visited the local  baths. Bearing in mind I  could not swim but was open  to learning. On this fist  recreation period I  got my trunks on and climbed into the pool. I was about a  3rd of the way  along from the shallow end so that the water was up to my chest. I was quite happy to  hold on to the bar and   practice floating. At this point Staff  carpenter came up behind me and said Do you swim nye. No Staff I said. Right YOU WILL Before you leave today. With that he grabbed me under my arms and wrenched me away from the security of the hand rail I was holding. Being that he was close to 6 feet it was easy for him to push his feet on the side and simple use brute force to heave me off. he dragged me ou into the middle of the Deep end and without warning  he let me go.

I sank like a stone. I have no recollection of how I got back to the surface and how I reached the side. Its probable the furthermost I have ever  moved in the water in my life. But I scrambled out of the pool with him yelling at me to get back into the water. he was insistent. he shouted at me to get back. Thats an Order he screamed at me. My short reply  was to tell him to F..k OFF.

Now That is 2 cardinal sins I have committed. 1 failing to obey an Order and swearing at a superior. Last chance he screamed at me. So I repeated my response as I made my way back to the changing room. At the end of the session as we all climbed aboard the bus  Staff said to me. You are on a charge. OK !

Next morning I was rudely awoken by 2 military policemen who took delight on tipping me out of bed at 5 am. Get  your self ready  that bawled at me you are up  before the Co  at 9 sharp. So now I had to  get cleaned up and press my uniform ,blanco my kit. Bull my boots. At 5 to 9am I was frog marched across the square like a prisoner. Which at that point I was. LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT the shouted at me in unison until we reached the CO office. next I was marched in front of the CO. I was identified and told I was on a disciplinary Charge for disobeying a direct order. Standing in the corner behind the CO was Staff Carpenter with a smug look on his face. As the charge was made clear to me How do you plead he asked me. Guilty I said.

Anything to  say in your defense the CO asked. So I told him I  could not swim but was prepared to learn. That I had a fear  of the water that I was willing to overcome. But the action of Staff Carpenter had frightened me and I panicked. But if  the situation was repeated I would do the same again. That I felt it was not the best way to allay any phobias of water I had.

The CO looked at me for what seemed ages, running through my mind was I am going into a cell for a week now!

After what seemed ages he turned to Staff Carpenter and asked him was my account of what  happened a true account.

He said most of it  was a fair account. Except that he only eased me away from the hand rail with care and that he was reassuring me  all the time we swam to the deep end. That he was on hand should I get into difficulties.

Next ,much to my surprise the CO snapped back at  Staff carpenter that his actions were not acceptable. That what he did would most probable have scared me away from swimming for the rest of my life. That for continued Wednesday Recreations days at the baths will need looking at. he continued to reprimand him. When he returned to me. He said I  sentence you to  7 days Extra duty and confined to barracks .

That sentence reflects your action of disobeying a direct order. DISMISSED

There ended my  first experience of military discipline. The Staff later sort of apologized without actually saying it. We  continued on amicable terms. Until the 6th week f the course. Which by then had progressed into  Circuit training in the gym in the mornings and in the afternoons we were picked an opponent from another troupe to  box or wrestle in the afternoons. This coupled with  exercise etc. on the bars and cross country running boxing  wrestling. One felt quite fit. But each weigh in my weight never changed. I was summoned to see the major . I see after   your 6 weeks of intensive physical training here that  your  body weight has not improved  he said. How do you find the food. Excellent Sir I said. Hm! was his reply. How do you feel?

Sir  I have never felt fitter in all my life I said. I am running cross country in kit with no problems I am boxing and wrestling which I did not expect and I have had successes in that. I  think I could tie one arm behind my back and take on Garth and Kill him. ( Garth was newspaper cartoon strip of a strong man).

Now that’s good news he said. With that I see no reason to continue  the course. I am  returning you  to your unit as Fit for Service. So now I am trapped until the duration.

Thursday

On my walk with louis today we tried to coax the white horse in the field to come to the hedge. i wanted to take a picture of  her. Its been absent for a while since it nearly  drowned in the dyke . The rescue was on Southern TV earlier. Yesterday  I called   out to her and she sauntered up to  the hedge ,so today Mavis said take an apple.

But  it didnt work, She remained in the end of the field.

I expected to wake up to a layer of snow, but  so far so good. We are still not  affected yet. Fingers crossed. mavis and I have been finishing off the box of chocholates I had for christmas.

Ive just watched deal or no deal. Most days I dont care if they win big or not. But on rare ocaisions You  feel for a contestant. The  girl Lucy today played with dignity  and I really wished she had stuck to her intuition. She felt she had  £1000.00  in her box. But at the last minute she gave in and took £5000.00 Only to find she did have big money. Then she turned down box 23. That would have given her + £10,000. Such a shame.

 

Wednesday

Oh Dear! We have the first  flakes of snow this morning. I will watch  this space.

With  frequent  looks out the window those early   flakes were mixed with rain.

But as the day  wore on  thankfully the snow wore off.

Its remained cold  all day. Maybe we will wake up to a covering in the morning.

My big fear is when it comes We will not  be able to get to the hospital.

 

Tuesday

IMG_20140517_181721After I came back  with louis this morning he sat in front of me with that quizzical look. I said what  you want louis. He cocked his head on its side. Just like he was listening. I love that look. I said sorry but I don’t know what you want. Water? Nope. Breakfast? Nope still that look. I said If only you were not a dog.

But then I thought what if he does understand me. He might get offended. So I said Dog is just a word louis its a word humans use to describe your  race. But  to me your not just a dog. You are part of the family . You are babes. You are my baby. Just one of us.

I am sure that look changed and I could swear I saw the beginnings of a smile on his little face. With that he got up and walked out to get a drink in the kitchen. Then he flopped on his bed.

Did I imagine all this ? Was it wishful thinking. Or are dogs!” Sorry” our baby’s really  more intelligent than we give them credit.

Or am I the only divo who talks to his D.. baby.